I’ll admit it: I is probably not watching The White Lotus the correct approach. Ever since its first season in Maui, Mike White’s Emmy-winning Max collection has poked not-so-subtle enjoyable on the ridiculous expectations and weird social customs of the wealthy on trip. But tempting as it’s for me to roll my eyes on the quasi-Orientalist “wellness” fantasy the newest crop of vacationers resides out on the White Lotus Thailand in season three (Timothy Ratliff, why are you consistently in your telephone in no-phone areas, bro?), I additionally discover myself sighing and not-infrequently seething with envy when the present cuts to the verdant jungles and sandy shores of Koh Samui.
A lot has been written concerning the proliferation of White Lotus merch and model partnerships—from fashon capsules to plateware and low creamer—that appear to exist a bit outdoors of White’s whip-smart, always-slightly-ironic purview. Clearly, somebody related to the present is signing off on these offers, however at its coronary heart, it’s been argued, The White Lotus is meant to be satire, not journey inspiration.
To these individuals I say, Certain…however what if it’s each? Whereas I don’t need to be depressing and indifferent from my household and buddies, I do need to go on a ladies’ journey! Or a visit with my companion! Or a visit with my household! Or actually any journey! Additionally: I, like Shoshanna Shapiro in Ladies, love merchandise.
What had been the probabilities that a few of these White Lotus–branded gadgets might grant me the enjoyment and internal tranquility that the fictional lodge chain guarantees its visitors? (Do mentioned visitors really ever discover that happiness and peace? After all not, however they’re in all probability doing the traditional rich-person factor of leaving all types of free stuff on the desk, safe within the information that they’ll at all times get extra later. Received’t catch me doing that!)
There was, naturally, just one solution to discover out. Beneath, a day within the lifetime of a author poor in journey miles however wealthy in White Lotus swag.
8 a.m.
I get up and immediately spritz my face with a White Lotus x Kiehl’s Cucumber Spritz facial spray. It’s energizing and smells extraordinarily good, however sadly my canine licks actually all of it off my face earlier than it even has an opportunity to set.
8:10 a.m.
I’m now anxiously googling “kiehls merchandise canine lick secure?”
9 a.m.
Safe within the information that my canine is (in all probability) effective, I make espresso and stream Sunday night time’s episode of The White Lotus, which I used to be too busy protecting the Oscars to observe in actual time. Query: Am I the one one who thinks the shooter from the episode-one teaser is…a monkey? Monkeys can get their palms on weapons! It’s occurred!
10 a.m.
I log onto a piece Zoom, which truthfully has nothing to do with The White Lotus, however I goal for complete accuracy in reporting. This isn’t Hollywood, okay?
Midday
I must deliver a bunch of freshly washed Tupperware again to the buddy who lent it to me (attractive, I do know), and whereas I’d normally deploy a grimy NPR tote bag for this function, I as an alternative load my varied containers and lids into my White Lotus x Away suitcase. This factor is roomy, child!
1 p.m.
I really feel extraordinarily fancy and Grace Kelly–esque pulling up at my buddy’s place and grabbing an elegant, sand-colored wheeled suitcase out of my trunk…till, after all, she opens it and a bunch of plastic containers that used to carry stew fall out.
1:30 p.m.
I ceremoniously current my buddy with a present of The White Lotus x Kiehl’s Midnight Restoration Focus Face Oil, which prompts her to microwave some pumpkin curry and rice for me. Free lunch? Thanks, Kiehl’s !
2 p.m.
Snack time! I devour a complete Compartés x The White Lotus limited-edition Aperitif Spritz chocolate bar, which is vivid orange and upsettingly good.
3 to five p.m.
Once more, I’m simply engaged on non–White Lotus initiatives throughout this time. Boring, I do know, however I’ve to earn a dwelling! I’m (regrettably) not Aimee Lou Wooden getting massages on Walton Goggins’s dime!
6 p.m.
Amid all my eighth-grade-level self-pitying about how I by no means get to go anyplace and it’s not honest, I completely forgot that I’m leaving for a staycation with my finest buddy to rejoice her birthday on the Lodge Bel-Air this weekend, which really does really feel like one thing a White Lotus girlie would do (though I hope we don’t have a friendship-testing battle that ends with certainly one of us sobbing within the rest room, Carrie Coon–model). Lastly, a use for my White Lotus x Away packing cubes!
6:10 p.m.
Packing cubes make no SENSE.
6:20 p.m.
Okay, I figured them out. Because it seems, packing cubes may certainly make sense.
8 p.m.
My luggage (i.e. the Away suitcase plus a few aforementioned filthy NPR tote luggage for good measure) are packed, my canine is fed, I’ve made myself a bizarre impromptu dinner of grilled cheese with chili crisp, and it’s time to eat much more White Lotus collab chocolate. (This one is cookies-and-cream flavored and encompasses a photograph of Jennifer Coolidge as Tanya McQuoid on the packaging. We miss you, Tanya!)
9 p.m.
No shade to the great individuals at Compartés, however I don’t really feel nicely.
9:10 p.m.
Is it potential that consuming one and a half full-sized chocolate bars over the course of a day is inadvisable, even whether it is for stunt journalism?
