Simply the one?
So, are you one and completed?
Oh…he’s an solely little one?
I’ve been requested innumerable iterations of this query—usually by complete strangers—since I had my son 5 years in the past. However after experiencing postpartum melancholy not as soon as, however twice, I’ve been ambivalent about having one other child, so my reply to this invasive, all-too-common inquiry is sophisticated.
Some days, the language we use to speak about “solely” kids makes me really feel judged, or by some means lower than moms with a number of children. Different days, I really feel irritated that questions on household planning have turn out to be as quotidian as discussing the climate. Both means, these conversations have made it clear simply how many individuals nonetheless consider that in the case of kids, one is the loneliest quantity.
If we take away emotion from the equation and look solely on the information, it is smart why extra households are deciding to cease at one. A current examine confirmed that in 2025, the typical value of elevating a baby till the age of 18 within the US is $300,000. This determine doesn’t account for the price of post-secondary training, which in Canada (the place I’m from) is predicted to rise to over $100,000 for a four-year college training. In Canada, one-child households are already the most typical sort, representing 45% of households with children, whereas the typical American household downsized from 3.7 kids in 1960 to 1.9 at present. With these financial pressures alone, it appears solely logical that the one-child household development will proceed. However logic doesn’t appear to be the main affect once we’re speaking about including extra children to the combination.
In her 2013 e book One and Solely: The Freedom of Having an Solely Youngster, and the Pleasure of Being One, Lauren Sandler writes that the rationale the choice is so nuanced is as a result of “kids are a want, not a calculation.” I’ve noticed how my very own want to do the “proper” factor for my little one has made the age-old arguments for a second that rather more persuasive. Everyone knows them: A sibling is a lifelong good friend in your little one, they’ll hold one another busy, they’ll by no means be lonely! It helps with socialization and studying to share. Extra kids can share the duty of caring for his or her ageing mother and father. There’s simply as a lot, if no more, rhetoric in regards to the problematic nature of solely kids. Within the late 1800s, two little one psychologists coined the time period solely little one syndrome to explain the unfavourable traits that their analysis confirmed solely kids usually possess, together with being spoiled, egocentric, maladjusted, and anti-social.
I would like the world for my son, of course—and but I’m nonetheless undecided if I’m up for doing it over again. It’s why I’ve discovered a lot consolation in a viral TikTok video from a self-described “one & completed mother,” who argues that being a mom of 1 permits ladies to decide on motherhood in addition to themselves. The remark part is full of proud mothers sharing what they’ve been in a position to do with their lives by deciding to not have a second little one—from travelling to reaching profession objectives and having extra time to do the issues they love.
